Oh Be Not Dismayed.

Many of you know that my little Stella has been disciplining herself as of late. Caught with fingernail polish? Before I can say a word, she starts yelling at herself saying "STELLLA, STEELLLLAA... NO! Put BACK. UH UH!" While at first this was endearing and cute, she is starting to discipline herself on even the smallest of mistakes.

The other day, she tripped and fell, and accidentally got blood on her brand new white pants and made a little hole in them. And as if the scratch on her knee wasn't pain enough, she proceeded to verbally discipline herself! As I heard her getting upset at herself for ripping her pants- My heart ached. It hurt me to see her being so hard on herself. I wanted her to know that mercy is something that we don't just give to others, but ourselves as well. I proceeded to stop her by scooping her up in a hug. I said-  "Stella, it is ok. I don't care about the hole in your pants. You are still getting the hang of running, and sometimes, you fall! I don't care about the stain your blood left. I just want to make sure you are ok. Don't beat yourself up about this. It's OK. It's OK."

As I sat on the ground with her telling her she was loved, and to not be so hard on herself, I felt a warm loving confirmation from the spirit- "Kait, it's ok, I don't care that you have been making a lot of mistake recently. You are still trying to figure this whole mom, wife, and disciple thing out. Don't be so hard on YOURSELF for falling. stop beating yourself up. I love you, It's OK. It's OK.

God taught me a wonderful lesson that day. I have been pretty hard on myself recently with everything that has been going on in my life. I feel like a failure and inadequate in many ways. I felt so bad that I have been letting heavenly father down. Staining the perfect white life he has given me with my blood and holes my mistakes keep leaving in it. But I am learning so much more about how he loves us through raising Stella. When we unnecessarily beat ourselves up for the mistakes in life, I don't think God sits up there and thinks. "Serves you right for ripping your pants!!" I know he feels the way I felt with Stella, and hopes that sometimes, we give yourself a little mercy, because it pains him to see us punish and cause ourselves pain unwarranted by the mistakes of growing, and learning. He is quick to forget about the holes, the blood, the stains in our metaphorical white pants, because he fixed those things long ago with the holes in his hands, the blood of his atonement, and the stains of his tears. And "though your sins (AND MISTAKES) be as scarlet- they shall be [white] as wool.

When Prayers Go Unanswered

I had a wonderful friend pose a very genuine question the other day. A question about faith, healing, prayers, and the spirit.

"For my study this morning, I read, "Jesus went about all the cities and villages ... healing every sickness and every disease among the people" (Matt 9:35) and then "all the multitude, with one accord, did go forth with their sick and ... with all them that were afflicted in any manner; and he did heal them every one as they were brought forth unto him" (3 Nep 17:9).

I grew up in a family where I witnessed faith work miracles. I never doubted God's ability to take away my [trial]. But even though I had complete faith that he could, he didn't take it away, and then [my trial] took away my ability to feel the spirit or feel him there at all. I still knew (and know) he was able to; he just chose not to. When I read scriptures like the above two, I feel any combination of indignation, hopelessness, mourning, abandonment, and resentment.

This isn't unique to me by any means. So I ask all y'all that've had your (or your loved ones') [trials] feel untouched by faith - those for whom the question is apparently, "do you have the faith not to be healed?" (Bednar, general conference Aug 2016) -

How do YOU mentally or emotionally deal with these scriptures? What do YOU do with painful feelings about this? What *actually works* for YOU with aligning stories of people healed vs your own experience of not being healed?"

The Prophet Joseph smith has said "You will have all kinds of trials to pass through. And it is quite as necessary for you to be tried as it was for Abraham and other men of God. God will feel after you, and He will take hold of you and wrench your very heart strings, and if you cannot stand it you will not be fit for an inheritance in the Celestial Kingdom of God.'"

Why is this happening to me?

Why aren't my prayers being answered?

I can't handle this.

I feel so alone.

Why is my faith not enough? 

Why is God choosing not to heal me?

This is causing me to be so depressed. I can barely feel the spirit. How am I supposed to feel hope and comfort in my trial if the darkness of my depression is blocking the light and peace of the spirit?

If God really loved me, why would he allow me to be in so much pain?

I've thought about the above questions for a long time. I know why God puts us through these kind of of experiences, but that doesn't make it any easier when you are in it and the righteous desire of your heart is going unanswered. As these thoughts penetrated my mind. I tried to find any pattern in the scriptures that may provide some hope. And I am no doctrinal scholar, but I seemed to recognize a pattern that God follows in these situations.

EXAMPLE #1

We may turn to the very Son of God Himself, in one of the most sacred experiences ever recorded in mortality.

36 ¶Then cometh Jesus with them unto a place called Gethsemane,
      and saith unto the disciples, Sit ye here, while I go and pray yonder.
37 And he took with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee,
and began to be sorrowful and very heavy.
38 Then saith he unto them,
My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death:
tarry ye here, and watch with me.
39 And he went a little further, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying,
O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me:
nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.
43 And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him.
42 He went away again the second time, and prayed, saying,
O my Father, if this cup may not pass away from me,
except I drink it, thy will be done.
44 And he left them, and went away again,
and prayed the third time, saying the same words.

At least in the recorded scripture we have- Jesus Christ, The Son of God, who is one with the father, perfect in every way, a son so in tune, so close to God that he proclaimed, "If ye had known me, ye should have known my Father also." -Jesus Christ, our Savior and Redeemer, never received an answer from  Heavenly Father from his heartfelt prayer- if he would take his cup from him.  No- "yes I will take it" or -"no you must do this, you know the plan" just silence.

He kept asking- and at one point, an angel was sent to strengthen him. But Heavenly Father stayed silent.  we know that this was Heavenly Father's plan all along since the foundation of the world. He knew this was part of his sons path, and as hard as it may have been to watch his precious child go through it, he knew that he couldn’t take that burden from Christ because he would be taking away HIS purpose on the earth, with the fate of the rest of us as well.

So there you have it. In the most difficult trial in recorded existence- no healing, or removal of his cup was granted. And not even a "yes" or "no " answer was given to his prayer to relieve his suffering (at least I can't find a reply in the scriptures). Not even a reminder from Heavenly Father saying "this is your path". Just an angel for brief comfort in the time he needed it most.

Sometimes, when we are so consumed with grief, and when we lose hope our own intense emotions can overwhelm the comfort of the spirit. But, at least the pattern I can see in the scriptures, God will not give up on us, HE WILL NOT LEAVE US COMFORTLESS.  When he can't reach us through the tender feelings of the spirit inside us- he sends us "angels". Not to take away our trials but at least to have someone to be with us, to try to understand us.

I don’t know if that provides any comfort. That even the savior of the world asked to have his most crushing trial taken from him, to be healed, and it wasn’t. If Jesus Christ, the Son of the Living God, who has PERFECT faith, can ask to be healed, to have a trial removed, and is not- sometimes, no amount of faith can overcome God’s plan for us- to become like Christ. But- Christ knows how it feels to be the person in the multitude who has the faith to be healed who goes to his father, and ASKS to be healed, and isn't. He can provide perfect comfort.

EXAMPLE 2- Simon of Cyrene

Later on in his journey, after completing the first step of the atonement, Gethsemane, he took grueling steps to what would be the ultimate abandonment at the cross. No doubt, the comfort which he received from that angelic messenger in the garden was beginning to fade, or completely absent. His prayers still remained unanswered, but in faith, Christ kept walking forward. But God sent another angel, this time, in the form of a mere mortal man, Simon of Cyrene.

32 And as they came out, they found a man of Cyrene, Simon by name: him they compelled to bear his cross. 

I repeat again.  HE WILL NOT LEAVE US COMFORTLESS. He always sends angels. Whether in the form of an angelic being, a complete stranger, or as we will see in Job, his own friends. In the times our crosses seem the most crushing, the most heavy, he won't take away the cross completely, but he will send someone to help you carry your cross, even if to give you a brief moment of reprieve before it gets harder. It is no wonder that he commands us to "bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light." and to "mourn with those that mourn; and comfort those that stand in need of comfort." Because he also knows how that feels.

EXAMPLE 3- JOB

11 ¶Now when Job’s three friends heard of all this evil that was come upon him, they came every one from his own place; Eliphaz the Temanite, and Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite: for they had made an appointment together to come to mourn with him and to comfort him.
12 And when they lifted up their eyes afar off, and knew him not, they lifted up their voice, and wept; and they rent every one his mantle, and sprinkled dust upon their heads toward heaven.
13 So they sat down with him upon the ground seven days and seven nights, and none spake a word unto him: for they saw that his grief was very great.

In Job, His friends didn't even know what to say to him to comfort him, there was nothing comforting to say for someone in that situation, all they could do, is physically be there for him. We can act as the comforting angels God promises to send, even if we don't know what to say.

"Brothers and sisters, one of the great consolations of this Easter season is that because Jesus walked such a long, lonely path utterly alone, we do not have to do so. His solitary journey brought great company for our little version of that path—the merciful care of our Father in Heaven, the unfailing companionship of this Beloved Son, the consummate gift of the Holy Ghost, angels in heaven, family members on both sides of the veil, prophets and apostles, teachers, leaders, friends. All of these and more have been given as companions for our mortal journey because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the Restoration of His gospel. Trumpeted from the summit of Calvary is the truth that we will never be left alone nor unaided, even if sometimes we may feel that we are. Truly the Redeemer of us all said: “I will not leave you comfortless: My Father and I will come to you and abide with you.”

The pattern is clear. If you are in your Gethsemane right now, and can't feel the comfort of the spirit. If you feel abandoned, alone, and hopeless. Look to the pattern. You will find that he has not forgotten you. I don't know why some are healed and others are not. But I do know that if we are never healed, our trial never lifted in this life, he will search out for us, find us in a dark places, and give us a degree of comfort, whether through feelings of the spirit, messengers, or mortals. He has sent angels to bear you up- most likely in the form of your friends and family. He loves you. And he sends you angels to be there with you when no healing is given.