Forging Relationship Ropes.

Jake and I have been married for almost three years now. And while I am no marriage expert, I have learned a lot in the past few years.


After we got back form our honeymoon, Jake and I went through all of the gifts and cards that everyone gave us. Pretty much everyone wrote some kind of marital advise on their gifts.

"Get over the little things!"

"Make sure you put the toilet seat DOWN!"

But the most repeated advice Jake and I got was this.

"Marriage is not a I give 50% you give 50% relationship. Marriage requires you to both give 100% to work."

Jake and I try our best to give each other 100%, but there are times and trials in life that make it impossible sometimes to give your 100%. And it is in those times where you find out the stuff that your marriage is made out of. There have been two distinct experiences I can recall that I would say were where our marriage was strengthened the most. And they weren't in the 100-100 ratio times. They were in the 0-100 and 100-0 times. It is the times where one spouse can give nothing, and how the other spouse reacts, that defines your marriage.

The natural thing to do when you are in a relationship and you feel like you are giving "more" than your spouse is to match what they are giving. Everyone knows that through your dating years if someone is more "invested" in the relationship than the other, it usually ends or fizzles out. That marital advice of 100-100% makes it seem unfair at times if your spouse isn't willing... or can't give their "fair share" to the relationship.

"Well If he/she is not going to make the effort to plan special things, then I won't." 

"Well if he/she is going to criticize me and never compliment me, I am going to do the same".

How is that fair if my spouse is constantly doing x,y,z wrong... and I feel like I am giving 110% all the time and it seems like they are only giving 60%?! This relationship is not going to work!!

So out of anger, we as human beings purposefully stop making the effort out of spite and vengeance. And then your spouse follows suit. You each keep on decreasing your "effort" to match what you feel like your spouse is giving, which makes NO ONE happy.

Luckily, in a time when I needed it most. my husband showed me what true Christlike love is. Even when someone could say I was giving -10%... not only not giving but taking other's strength, my husband continued to give his 100%. Was that fair to him? No. Was it fair that I was taking away precious study time during his first finals week EVER of medical school to talk to him about all my insecurities? No. Was I draining his spirits? Yes. But did he stop giving? No. But there soon came a time afterward where I would like to think that I may have returned the favor to him. But THIS, these are the moments where you find out how willing you are to make your marriage work. Marriage was instituted because God knew that it was in moments like these, that ALWAYS happen in marriage, where we have the opportunity to become more like the Savoir.

It is in these delicate times of marriage where the true bonds of love are formed. We can use our spouses weaknesses to "serve them right" to stomp them even deeper into the ground in their delicate vulnerable state. Or we can show selflessness and compassion, using our own strength to try to lift them up. One way turns a marital bond of rope into gold, the other shreds it so it is only holding on by a few threads.

This life's purpose is to become more like Christ, and Christ gave his EVERYTHING, and got NOTHING in return. Well, not nothing. This is what Christ got for his 100%"

"He was despised, and rejected of men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief, and WE HID ...OUR FACES from him. He was despised and we esteemed him not.

Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows, yet we did esteem his stricken, smitten of God and afflicted. But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities. The chastisement of his peace is upon us, and with his stripes, we are healed." (Isaiah 53: 3-5)

What did the savior of the world get for giving up his honor, his glory, and coming down to give us his 100%? Well....He got something- crucified, tortured, bruised, rejected, spat upon, and so much more. And yet, even when we were doing those things to him, he still loved us, and gave us his 100%. By his actions of pure Love and Charity, even in the times where we gave him much less that what he TRULY deserved, he still gave us his 100%, and by doing so, lifted us through his efforts to escape our dark hole where we couldn't give him anything, to a place where we could try to give him something back to show our love for him.

Now, I am not saying that if you are in an abusive relationship it is OK for you to give 100% and never get anything. There is ZERO tolerance for abusive situations. And there are always circumstances where it is time to move on, and I am not one to judge when that point is for anyone. But I do know one thing for sure, It is is the times that people seem to just take take take, and we STILL choose to give, that forms us into a new creature, that helps transforms us closer to the image of Christ.

So to my wise friends and family who gave me that wonderful marital advise, I would like to add one more sentence to supplement that....Our marriages WORK when we both give 100% at all times. Relationships THRIVE and GROW when we are able to give each other 100% in the times where the other can barely muster up 1%. 

It is in those pits where charity- the pure love of Christ- is created. And when our spouses act in the example of Christ to give their 100% to help lift us out of those pits, that is where I have found the unbreakable bonds of MY marriage being forged.

Thoughts and Questions on The Baptism Requirement of Gay Children.

1. “And again, inasmuch as parents have children in Zion, or in any of her stakes which are organized, that teach them not to understand the doctrine of repentance, faith in Christ the Son of the Living God, and of baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost by the laying on of hands, when eight years old, the sin be upon the heads of the parents.” (D&C 68:25.)
2. We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam’s transgression

The Church hasn't come out with an official statement yet- But it is all over the media." LDS Church: Children of Same Sex Couples Not Eligible For Membership."

When I first saw this- I thought "This is seriously going to be the last straw for many members of the church." What a trial of faith for many saints. I have compassion on many of those who are struggling with this, and pray that we may all find an understanding and peace of how this (potential) announcement is consistent with the doctrines of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day saints.

Now. I don't expect everyone to agree with what I am about to say in the rest of my post, but this is how I have (so far), been able to reconcile my faith and feel at peace with this decision. I am going to continue to study and pray to seek more truth and wisdom, but these main points are what I have come up with so far, I ENCOURAGE POSITIVE DISCUSSION. ANY PERSONAL ATTACKS OR NAME CALLING ON EITHER SIDE WILL BE IMMEDIATELY DELETED! If you find fault in my logic, that is OK. I am still formulating my opinion and respectful conversation with those who disagree will help me to think more deeply about this topic, I very well could be completely wrong, I am not a gospel scholar, but I think I can learn through expressing my thoughts.

 “And again, inasmuch as parents have children in Zion, or in any of her stakes which are organized, that teach them not to understand the doctrine of repentance, faith in Christ the Son of the Living God, and of baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost by the laying on of hands, when eight years old, the sin be upon the heads of the parents.” (D&C 68:25.)

• I think this is the most important scripture to me in reconciling the decision of the church. These children who will inevitably be in this situation, are not going to be allowed to be baptized at the standard age of 8, and there are some consequences associated with that. One of those consequences is not having the constant companionship of the spirit that comes with confirmation only after baptism. That is a sad thought to deprive children of that because of their Parent's actions But this scripture states that the sin will be on the head of the parents. That may sound harsh, but it is true only to those who are apart of Zion and who have known the truth, but don't follow it for whatever reason.
• "Well what about all those other children who are baptized with parents not living gospel standards? How is that any different? It seems the Church has come out directly against Gay people! What about the Alcoholics? You still allow their children to be baptized even though you say thy are sinning!" Some are saying within the church that those children are the ones who need the blessings of baptism and the companionship of the holy ghost the most in their situations, why would you punish the precious children who need it most!
• I don't know the answers to all these questions. I think the way the church sees it is that the Gay parents are outwardly living a life that directly contradicts church doctrine, and are out there ACTIVELY promoting others to do so, and whether we like it or not, children are associated with their parents. I don't think alcoholics go out and try to convince OTHERS to embrace alcoholism and become alcoholics. So now I have the question then of "Well then why are the children of Such and Such excommunicated couple that is actively opposing the church allowed to be baptized?!! Are they? I don't know. I don't think that there are enough widespread excommunicated couples with children who want to get baptized to warrant a general statement. I would imagine that is just taken care of on a case by case basis since it is such a small number. But The Church is probably anticipating a wide number of these situations, so to guide the current leaders, they have given us application to follow.
• God Loves his precious children, and will always bless them. This is not about whether or not god Loves the children of gay parents, for he loves EVERYONE. Period, no matter what you do or who you are. It is about what requirements there are to be a member of His church- which comes with associated blessings. You don't have to have the root for the same sports team for your parents to love you {or maybe you do in some households!! ;)}. But if they invite you into their club party for that team where there have been rules and standards set for entry, they would expect you to respect the rules as anyone else does to become a member. And in this case, they are saying in this situation, the children need to be 18 for admittance if their parents are rooting for a specific rival team. I think there is GREAT wisdom in that. I have literally seen families torn apart by rooting for different FOOTBALL teams PEOPLE!!!!! Imagine what kind of strain on a relationship between parent and child could result by them believing that WHO THEIR PARENTS ARE is wrong or a sin. No child should have to make that decision at such a young age. The church is not in the business of tearing families apart, but respecting agency and providing guidance to protect us and the precious children who seek after truth. 
•  I believe God loves us so much, and there must be wisdom in him doing this to protect his precious children. We may not see it that way right now, but I am sure that is why he did it. Not to punish his children, but to protect them

 We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam’s transgression

• Now I have already seen many people stating that the church is being a hypocrite because of this statement, but they don't understand the true meaning of this declaration. This is stating that the original sin of Adam- which consequence was death- will not hold sway against the children of men because the Savior- through his atonement. Because of our savior was resurrected and broke the bands of death, ALL god's children: Gay, straight, purple, black, "righteous", "wicked", evil, saint- will ALL be resurrected to an immortal body. You don't have to choose to be resurrected, you just will be, no matter what. That is a gift that has been freely given no matter what. People who construe this article of faith to say " We believe that men (a child) will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam's (gay parents) transgressions, have taken this article of faith out of context and misconstrued the words to fit their own benefit. This article of faith only pertains to the Father of Humanity's original sin, and how because of Christ's atonement, the consequence of his sin (death) in the end does not affect us. 

OK. That is all I have so far. I am sure my opinion may change and evolve based on discussion. And contrary to the media's belief today, someone is NOT a hypocrite for seeking more knowledge, and changing their opinion because more knowledge has been received. That is what bothers me about the media today. They say "You said this 10 years ago!!! you believed it once! You don't believe that anymore? OH MY GOODNESS YOU ARE A HYPOCRITE AND A FLIP FLOPPER! No, I am an educated human being with an open mind that will always accept further light and knowledge. We are not all knowing beings, so it is OK when our opinions change.

In His Constant Care

Stella and I were shopping the other day when we came across this picture. We stopped and looked at it, And for the first time in the HISTORY of Stella. She was still, calm, and reaching for this picture among all other pictures. It is entitled "In His Constant Care." I couldn't help but smile after a few minutes of Stella's uncommon reverence.

This picture stuck with me the rest of the day, and I remembered a Devotional President Monson gave while I was at BYU. He stated that we are spiritual beings having a physical experience... and proceeded to quote the Lion King smile emoticon

"Look deep inside yourselves. Remember who you are. Remember."

Looking deep inside yourself to find your spiritual "DNA" can be a painful process. Searching the depths of the human soul for our identity also requires discovering some other unpleasant flaws and traits about ourselves along the way. When we search for truth about ourselves, God does not give us a partial answer. He will let us know who we are, Good and Bad. Many halt at this painful point of self discovery, declaring their ugly inner selves not worthy of anyone's care- let alone a perfect, holy, all powerful being! But they are stopping just short of the FULLNESS of truth, where we learn and understand why all of those imperfections ARE OK. Once we push past the doubt and despair of our personal weaknesses,and realize we have LIGHT within us that overcomes the darkness...then we feel the love and promise of Christ: which is that we are in His constant care! And when we understand that, all those painful character traits don't seem to hurt as much.

The principle of forgive and ye will be forgiven applies to forgiving ourselves too. the FULLNESS of Christ's atonement -love- cannot work on or in us... if we haven't forgiven ourselves. It is hard to feel the warmth of love from anyone if we are surrounded in a blizzard of self loathing and pity.

The reason I know this is because I have stopped short many times, and it is a CONSTANT rediscovery too! It is not just a one time process and you KNOW. In time, if you don't return to him, you may forget, and think that you just imagined the whole thing. But as we allow ourselves to come to him and fix our impaired DNA, we become stronger, and more like him.

Who are we? I believe we are precious children of a All Powerful Being who wants us to call him Father. And our Savoir Jesus Christ loves us as his precious children. We truly are in His constant care, and I think Stella knew that as she peacefully looked at this picture the other day.