The Everlasting Well

OK. It's gonna get real here for a second.

Guys, life gets pretty tough sometimes.

I tell that to myself sometimes. And sometimes my mind screams back at me. "You are just a wuss!"

I guess its kinda like Bryan Regan's Skit on going to the ER. I can't bring myself to say I have a life "pain" or "trial" level of ten because, man... someone else has got a broken femur out there, and they have exclusive rights to a "10". And if I ever were to say my life is hard, someone with a "life toughness" level of ten would come out and say “Who the HECK… had the AUDACITY… to say he was at a level ten?!? You know nothing about ten. Give me a sledgehammer, and let me show you what ten is all about, Mr. Tummy-ache!”

How can I really say my life gets hard sometimes when someone is dying from cancer? Or is a single mom who's husband died young? Or who is grateful for being able to eat one meal per day?

Nope, my life is pretty cush. I am EXTREMELY blessed.

Which makes it all the worse when I can't help but feel sorry for myself when my blessed, cush life seems a little hard sometimes. But I feel like I have more first world problems. Stella got sick, stressing about debt from medical school, seeming like I have too much to do in a day and not enough time to accomplish it. Sometimes I just want to kick myself in the pants and say "HEY! At least you are able to GO to medical school! At least you can afford antibiotics! Ect." It doesn't matter what my trial is, my mind always tries to find a way to tell me my trials are so much less than another, and I am pathetic and selfish for even thinking my life is hard.

This process in my mind usually just makes me feel worse. Not only do I still feel like my life is hard in that moment, but I then feel GUILTY about FEELING my life is hard!

And as a result, I go to self  pity to soothe myself. "I just can't do it anymore, I have no more energy, I have NOTHING left to give. My well is dry. How can anyone expect me to give anything more because its gone." And as I repeat this phrase over and over again, I just feel more and more sorry for myself . But feeling this sorrow seems to justify my actions and behavior. I can act this way because "CAN'T YOU SEE I AM SAD?"

One of Satan's greatest tactics is to get us to compare ourselves to others. It is OK that I feel my life is hard sometimes, because those are MY feelings. And he tries to tell me that it is not OK to have those feelings so I feel that my problems are too small, too trivial compared to others, to go to Heavenly Father in Prayer about. And the only other way I have found to soothe that pain is directing that pain inward, internally, to beat myself up and justify my pain. It is selfish, internal, and keeps Satan right where he wants you, in a pit of despair right with him.

As I was repeating I have NOTHING left to give. My well is dry. over and over to myself one morning, I decided the Stella and Jake still needed me, and I needed to do something about it. I thought, I am telling this to myself over and over, maybe I should try to direct this pain externally instead of internally.

So I got on my knees.

I literally just said the exact same thing that was going through my head the past few mornings over and over again in a prayer. I just can't do it anymore, I have no more energy, I have NOTHING left to give. My well is dry. How can anyone expect me to give anything more because its gone. And instead of directing it internally, I said these same words as a prayer. And As I was repeating those words, This thought came to me immediately.

"I KNOW your well is dry, I have seen you struggling for some time just HOPING you would just TALK to me about it. I know you feel empty, I know you feel like you have nothing left to give. And that is ok, because you really don't. But I, I have living water. Your well may be empty, but my well is everlasting, and if you rely on me, I will fill your well. I don't just carry the lost sheep! I carry the wounded and weak sheep too!" Come unto me, ye who labors and is heavy laden, and I will give ye rest unto your soul.

And rest I did find.

It was amazing how literally just changing my frame of mind changed my whole attitude and look on life. There is NOTHING WRONG with thinking those thoughts. What is wrong about having those thoughts is when they drive us to pity and despair rather than to hope and light and GREATFULNESS that the burden CAN be lightened when we pray, and ask for Christ's atonement to strengthen us through our individual trials, no matter HOW big or small.

That day was a lot better. But it didn't get any easier. the next day I found myself leaning towards self pity again, but I decided to pray again, and I was filled again with the same answer- lean on me and I will help you walk today. And if you ask again tomorrow, I will be there to help you run. 

I am definitely not running yet, but I feel the strengthening power of the atonement help me walk through my days. Yes, Even though I am extremely blessed, that doesn't mean Heavenly Father doesn't want to help me through the small things I go through that can be big to me sometimes. And I am grateful for this wonderful gift of Grace that God has given me, that through the strengthening power of Christ's atonement, I can do anything.

"But why would you do this for me?

Because I love you..

But it doesn't seem fair.

That's right it's not fair-it's merciful. It is, after all, a gift.

But how can I possibly deserve such a gift?

Don't be silly. you can't. you don't - The gift is offered because I love you & want to help you, not because I owe it to you.

But how can I ever repay you?

There you go again. you can't repay me, not you or the billions like you. Gifts of this magnitude can never be repaid. For what I have done out of love for you, you can only love me back, and seek to become what I am- a giver of good gifts.

And that is good news."